What’s in a name?

Gentle readers,

By now I’m certain you’re aware that all names mentioned on this blog have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved. When I say “mom” I’m not actually referring to my mother, and so on. Thus it is that my privacy policy and scrupulous ethics prevent me from relating the following:

Years ago, my parents, like so many of those WASPy parents entirely too obsessed with their “baby to be”, devoted hour upon hour to the baby naming challenge.

My father, being a profoundly spiritual man, wanted to name me “Enos”. Now this may be somewhat apocryphal, as I don’t remember dad mentioning this tidbit until I was old enough to be embarrassed by the schoolyard teasability quotient of such a name.

My mother, being a freethinking woman, immediately proclaimed a ban on all biblical names. Thus it was that Enos, that grand and most solemn name, was removed from further consideration. Mom’s counter proposal was that they name me “Holland”. And it very nearly happened.

A few months ago, being the self-obsessed creature I clearly am, I was mulling over on the alternate history possibilities of the Holland-naming. Then I spoke it aloud, first-name last-name. Wham! Through this simple action I triggered the collapse of the Holland-world. Try it yourself if you’re privy to my family name.

My mother now claims she was ignorant of the obvious defect of the Holland-naming. I don’t know what to believe any more. Considering both this and the previously mentioned ham and cheese sandwich incident, I must now accept the possibility that my mother is embroiled in an emulsion-themed plot detrimental to my safety.

Will update further when I’m able.

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6 Responses to “What’s in a name?”

  1. Boulder Creek Chris Says:

    Mmmm, me mum used to make Hollandaise sauce for dinner. I became a broccoli addict as a child as a result. Strange but true…

  2. Dave Filice Says:

    If I had been born a few days closer to St. Patrick’s day, I would have been a Pat.

    Enos the *****. It would have been ulgy.

  3. PaulR Says:

    Don’t forget Enos the Dipstick.

  4. Dan L Says:

    I believe it is likely that “Mom” never fully realized
    the fully phonemed output of the emulsion based
    appellation.
    It probably wouldn’t have been a problem until you
    got to college, anyway.

  5. Yan Says:

    After I stopped laughing, I couldn’t help but think how amazing it would have been if you had been named Holland. It would have enhanced the essential tragedy in your life. Tragedy + Time = Comedy.

  6. Your favorite Smartass... Says:

    Why are you complaining?? Had I been a boy I could have been named any of the follwoing:
    Jesus
    Cuatemoc ( yea try sayingthat 3 times)
    Igancio


    the possibilities are endless……..

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